Weapon for Success

Photo by Andrew Neel on Pexels.com

Jordon, around the age of my now deceased son, was always a proud nerd and geek. He’s a chemist by trade and also builds PCs from amassed components as a hobby. Jordon is tall and linear in appearance and in his mind. I’m not going to guess his IQ score, but I know for certain that I can’t decipher the book titles in his private library since they are all written for geniuses, a group into which I wouldn’t try to fake my admittance.

A few people I know have husbands like Jordon. He’s the kind of man that if he gets married, he’s a keeper. That being said, I introduced him to my daughter about five years ago. She immediately canceled out any ideas in my scheming head when I heard her verdict. “Nope. Not my type.”

Some bystanders over the years have labeled him with a case of social anxiety. I, too, have witnessed women his age roll their eyes behind his back and sarcastically whisper his name, “Jordon,” in a mean-spirited way. He, by no means, even remotely resembles the alpha male in hot-selling women’s fiction.

He is, however, who he was born to be. He is the kind of guy that will drive an elderly woman to the hospital in an emergency, the way my son had done. Unlike my son, though, he has a solid tribe around him, a few members reach as far back as grammar school.

Still, I sensed a loneliness about him. These are the years in his life that, while he grows bonsai trees in his kitchen window, many of his friends are getting married and starting families of their own. In fact, once I didn’t see him for a string of days and became overly concerned. Right when I was going to investigate further, he waved at me with his toothy, silly grin as I drove by when he was taking a walk. In solidarity, I understand how it is to suffer from loneliness and disconnection.

A few weeks ago, I again spotted him walking. Upon closer look, I saw that his bony arm was around a woman who looked like she could walk with swagger and determination down a model’s runway. Her hair was silky and long, a brunette photo-perfect image for a hair dye product. Symmetrically refined, her face could soften the mean waves of an ocean.

As long as I’ve known Jordon, he has seemed content with his loveless life. How did this happen? He isn’t on the dating circuit. He doesn’t even have a night life. What?  For days I fell into the black hole of no return. This is the usual route I travel when I start comparing my son’s life with someone else’s life. A losing battle, my therapist Louis continually reminds me.

Despite knowing better, I lost a string of days while engaged in a mindless battle. Wondering how a recluse like Jordon, against all odds, could have ended up in the relationship that he did and how, on the other hand, my recluse son never once found a suitable soulmate and, in turn, ended up the way he did. My many lectures beginning with, “The best way to get anyone back is to succeed,” fell on my son’s deaf ears.

I think, too, how my son, if he could have just waited a little longer, one more day even, things would have turned around. He would have garnered the attention he deserved. He would have had an opportunity to connect with someone special as Jordon had done.

Of course, you have to play the game in order to win, even if this means failing to win every battle year after year. I don’t know if Jordon was privy to other people’s judgment towards him. If he was, he had the mental capacity to say, “No thanks,” to the judgments as if they were an offer of cheap wine. He defined himself and forged on. Faith forward thinking catapulted him.

In order to move forward like that, the first step is to get up, even on the days when it feels like everyone is belting you down. Rise up. Sing, off-key or not, an anthem of resolve. Improvise as much and as long as necessary, because the only standing ovation that matters is the one standing eye-to-eye with yourself in front of the mirror.

9 thoughts on “Weapon for Success

  1. Hi Stacy,
    I feel powerless reading this: “I think, too, how my son, if he could have just waited a little longer, one more day even”. I wish I could turn back the hands of time. Wishing that your son would have reached out to you, taken a walk, anything, to get his mind out of that moment. I cannot even imagine how you feel.
    Still, here we are, and for some reason we are forced to believe and trust that there is a reason for everything.
    Your writing is so beautiful and powerful. I lack the words to transmit to you all my wishes. May every time you see my comment you feel a hug holding you tight.
    Blessings! ♥♥
    ps. if you have another Jordan in the neighborhood around my age, send him my way. 😉

  2. Oh, Stacy, as usual your post evokes powerful emotions. It targets first that helpless feeling a bereaved parent has about their inability to save their child. “If only” are words that echo endlessly through our mind. And then there’s the loss of any kind of future. Watching our child’s friends grow up is a difficult process. I saw a fellow classmate of Jason’s with her 3 young children – and her beaming mother celebrates those gorgeous grandchildren. My mind wanders to how things could have been different. It is natural.
    I love the way you write and express those feelings. I believe acknowledging them is healthy and I wish you never had to struggle with the horrible aftermath of losing your beloved Marshall.

    • You ALWAYS understand so fully, Judy! I read this earlier and just had to process your insights and gave myself a good cry too! Anyway, thank you for your love and support, and I wish you a BEAUTIFUL birthday tomorrow! 🤍

      • You are so welcome, Stacy and thank you for your beautiful birthday wishes. I will celebrate and think of how grateful I am that we’ve reconnected.
        I understand about the crying also. It comes in waves and we just have to float and come up for air. Sending you a big hug!

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